confessions of an office hero

oh, wait, no, I get it girl, I’m with it

I’ve been down this road before and yeah I skidded but forget it

damn, yeah, I wonder why I never why I learned my lesson

it’s feeling like the second chance and its the first impression

and I heard it’s nothing new except for someone new

but how you supposed to find the one when anyone will come with you

talking to myself but I never listen,

cuz man it’s been a while, and I swear that this ones different

that’s why I’mma take you anywhere you wanna go

let you meet my friends so they can lecture me again about

how reckless I have been

and I’m slowly running out of all the time that I invest in

making all the same mistakes

and I’m just trying to correct it and I fall…

when you’re ready, just say you’re ready

when all the baggage just ain’t as heavy

and the parties over, just don’t forget me

we’ll change the pace and we’ll just go slow

Spring is not too far away…

Lets see if you’re right…

You could say that I’ve recently entered a new chapter in my life. I’ve really been fortunate to have been given such amazing opportunities, yet still… there’s something missing. Although its hard to complain given the series of events that have occurred within the past year, I cannot say that I’m entirely content. 

These past few months have been fulfilling in a way yet destructive in others. I’ve caught up on video games/netflix, have somewhat of a social life, and have financial freedoms I previously didn’t have. So what is it? Am I no longer ambitious? Am I too comfortable? I wouldn’t say that - I still have a very demanding role and I put the same level of effort that I always have. And given the work conditions, I would say its impossible to become too comfortable. I’m still learning new things everyday and I’m fortunate to work with some of the best engineers in the industry but am I really growing? 

Someone once told me to keep my dreams at the horizon that way you’re always chasing it. My work ethic has not wavered but I can’t say I’m running in the right direction. Or maybe I just don’t know what that next step is… What do I do now? Maybe there isn’t anything at the horizon right now, and I’m just standing in a big black empty void. This is sounding a bit depressing and emo…. but anyways, it started to occur to me, sure ok, I have current obligations that I do not intend to abandon - but I still need to do something for myself. I need to find what this next step is.

I haven’t found myself being given the right outlets to properly channel creativity in a meaningful way. I want a fresh start, something entirely new, non-gaming related and take my experience from Astro Ape and build something new. 

There is something about brainstorming new innovative ideas that is so damn invigorating. The same kind of excitement that makes working til 3am feel like nothing. Even if its doomed for failure, and even though I know I have very limited free time, I have to at least do SOMETHING because damnit it’s been a long time since something has gotten me fired up… well okay maybe not that LONG but you know, It’s like, you get off a roller coaster ride and you want to get back on and do it again - you don’t want to wait in line. I’ve been called impatient all my life, and maybe that could be it, but in this case, why wait? Fuck it, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna start something new.

I want to build something new…

I want to change the world…